If you eat too many burritos, you may be in danger of requiring a burritoectomy. I came close to needing a burritoectomy back in 1998 while driving a rental car on trolley tracks in Dallas, Texas.
Here’s the thing about driving: There are spiders.
I once heard that Don Pablo’s put concrete dust in their burritos. I think it might be true because I felt like that thing set up and hardened once it was in my stomach. Plus, I’ve never been able to eat quite as much ever again. In addition, my poop was like little rocks the next day. Little. Concrete. Rocks.
Counter to the danger of burritoectomies lies a little-known fact that Dos Equis green can dissolve the concrete dust contained in many common burritos. My grandmother once took a swig of this beer, not because she liked it, but because she wanted me to think she liked it. What she didn’t know was, I was only drinking it to avoid a burritoectomy — I didn’t like it either. In fact, no one likes it. That’s why it’s only on the commercials and never on any menu.
But while Dos Equis green’s burrito-dissolving qualities are lesser known, it is generally even less lesser-known that every quality Mexican restaurant (American-Mexican, Meso-Mexican, and Mexi-Mexican) secretly carries Dos Equis green. Though it is never displayed, Dos Equis green functions like Narcan at recovery meetings.
No semi or even quasi-Mexican restaurant wants to perform a burritoectomy on site. Not only is it dangerous (if the burrito has already made its way partially into the intestine), but the resulting smell is dreadful. This odour is known as “burritopreflatulency.” You can typically recognize where burritopreflatulency has been released into the immediate atmosphere by looking for signs of peeling paint and chipped plaster on the walls close to the bar. Burritoectomies are always performed at the bar.
A doctor once told me the most difficult part of a successful burritoectomy is keeping the victim calm. This could be especially challenging unless the unknowing victim is already inebriated.
I once accidentally observed a burritoectomy being performed at El-Rancho-Yo, while I was waiting for the waiter to bring me a few jalapeño slices to cool off my José Cuervo-battered tiger shrimp fajitas. To my horror, a spider crawled into the burritoectomy incision just before the victim was stitched up.
It was one of those moments I look back on and think, I should have said something. Something like, “Hey, watch out for spiders.” It was too late, though. Those burritoectomies are quick, but not as quick as a nasty little spider. It looked exactly like that same spider that haunts the air vent in my truck. I know that tiny bastard was just waiting for a chance to chomp down on a burrito without having to pay for it. Spiders aren’t known for having much money. The good news is, it probably saved the victim from having to pay for his meal.
You learn something new each day. Or something old that you already knew, but forgot. This is why the best Mexican restaurants have Dos Equis green nearby.
If only it killed spiders, too.